Trauma, Kink, and Processing

*Content warnings for many kinds of trauma*  Initially 1/6/15 here.

I have processed more trauma, more effectively, through kink, than in any other way. (Not through talk therapy, be it CBT, somatic, occupational; not through acupuncture; not through psychiatry, SSRIs, SNRIs, anxiolytics, benzos, atypical anti-psychotics).

I’ve processed misgendering, cissexism, transphobia, anti-NB bias, being NB and femme and not taking hormones — with simple misgendering scenes (+ aftercare).

I’ve processed wrestling with my mother who would not stop when I said to, her entitlement to my physical space and refusal to stop until she ‘won’ — with take-down and capture scenes and struggling scenes.

I’ve processed fear of abandonment and betrayal, being left at home alone and not knowing when anyone would be back and being terrified they wouldn’t, OCD-fears of the rapture and having been left behind — with abandonment scenes.

I’ve processed dissociation, out-of-body-ness, feeling ashamed of being paper and unable to give touch — by just being (non-sexually) petted until I said stop.

I’ve processed self-harm shit with glass knives; helplessness with being subdued (and escaping from bondage time after time); fear of rape with consensual non-consent; and more things I’m sure I haven’t recognized yet.

I still want to process my fear of not knowing my own strength and accidentally hurting someone — by struggling as hard as I can and knowing it’s OK, it’s negotiated.

I still want to process my recently recovered memory of being bullied and elbowed in the sternum so hard I collapsed gasping unable to breathe for three minutes (they laughed and left right away, and no one else came by, and I picked myself up and walked away and never said anything). I still want to process my suicidality and trigger of hanging imagery, and its relatedness to all this.

— It makes sense, now, how I would seek breathplay scenes, why Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) is so much more useful to me than (the ableist, subjective) Safe Sane Consensual (SSC). Someone suggested suspension and my god I’ll look into it. —

I wholly respect that kink can itself be a site of trauma, especially for folks whose abusers utilized kink. I want to hold that as well. Kink is a tool which can be horribly (mis)used.

But kink has been such a site of healing for me. And I want to hold that too.

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