Femme? Why?

Initially 12/29/14 here.

I want to write about why the fuck do I see myself as femme, scared though I have been and am to claim it.

Claiming femme…

As fucking up “femininity / masculinity” and veering off from that whole system. As rejecting transmasculinity for myself and fumbling along utterly non-binary but soft, mad and fierce at times but always soft of gender.

As inherently a statement about what I want, how I relate, how intricately tied my sexuality is to paper/stone and touch dynamics and power dynamics and kink, and how yes, that does seep into my gender doesn’t it, into my somatic sense of embodiment and self and gender’s there too.

As claiming queer-like-fuck-the-system and gay-like-seeking-mirrors. As acknowledging the constant misreading of me and saying fuck off, you don’t recognize me.

As angry about androgyny and transmasculinity and the recurring echoing binaries within non-binary identity and expression, as deciding a word “just fucking fits” and grimacing when seeing it used in a way that just feels off.

As claiming femme despite appearance despite disability despite spoons, despite unfashionableness and autistic restrictions on clothing and comfort, despite being utterly unable to “present” as femme. because I still express as femme, feel femme, in my body and my self-positioning, in my posture and how I hold myself.

And none of this is contradictory, Not truly. Aren’t we always separating out and re-overlapping our endless Venn diagrams, of gender identity expression presentation, sex identity body identity, body map, gender role even?

Perhaps that is it. Perhaps my gender role is femme. Perhaps it is positional within community (invisibility, expectations) as well as with partner dynamics and with body holding, energy, how I move and place myself in all ways.

Perhaps to me femme is a position my core assumes instinctively, like I shift to the front-right to hear because of my ear, like I flow to fill in the missing gaps in a group’s set of personalities. Perhaps.

Perhaps that is part of why your kink shaming feels an integral attack on my gender and disabilities.

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