Repulsed, Conflicted…Picky

[content warnings: reference to sexual assault and abuse, self-harm]

Sex. Repulsed, averse, conflicted, ARC or arcflux, indifferent, ”’favorable”’… maybe my descriptor is “picky.”

Of course, at present I rule it almost always too risky given trauma history. Noooooot worth burying myself deeper in trauma, nope.

But sure, if it could be guaranteed as Overall Good, not even 100% good or sex-positivity’s rhetorical claims good…

Like. Good sex? Feels pretty awesome. I could go for that.

And yet…and yet.

I recently went to the ER by ambulance, and the EMT asked if I had any health conditions. When I said PTSD in order to point out fluorescent lights and my startle reflex, I got “may I ask what from?” Hardly easy to say no, especially given my history with noes and my light-headed-from-blood-loss condition.

I answered, “drunk sexual assault and partner abuse.” How simply put. How black and white. (How evasive of medical trauma.)

Do you know, I think I’ve never had sex where there wasn’t something wrong, specifically pressure? That the only sex outside of those two abusive relationships, involved comments that felt piercing and dysphoria triggering?

What the hell does it feel like to have uncoerced, safe sex? To not be trapped in a matrix of pressure and mental health and communication and meds and grim forward drive, of self-harm and desperate hope that it will unlock something?

I don’t trust myself to consent, to be safe, to not make my head worse.

The idea of making things worse is viscerally upsetting. And so the idea of sex, and thus follows the identity of sex-repulsed. Right? Or, well, sex-conflicted.

But if I could? If I could figure out a scenario that could do no damage, could heal, could be just pleasurable and no repercussions, could be reclamatory and all those things I’ve desperately grasped for and found sharp and backfiring…

If I could just, all easy, have good sex?

Isn’t this how we talk about allosexuality? “If you were in a magical universe bubble and it would affect nothing else whatsoever, would you have sex? If yes, you’re allo.”

Hah. When my answer is “if X, and a promise of Y, and a guarantee of no Z, and a greater than 50% likelihood of A, with an emotional outcome of B and C but never D”…

I think I need a Star Trek holosuite, honestly, with freeze program commands and nobody else’s confounding variables. “Conflicted” really doesn’t feel intricate enough.

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