i just find it especially funny that, with all the “don’t lump allos together!!  don’t hypersexualize lgb people or woc and don’t desexualize disabled people, and if you lump everyone into allo you’re sex-shaming and oppressive!”

is tooooootally the opposite with kink.  shame every single kinkster.  they’re all cishet white (((abled))) scum anyway who just wanna feel special.  if they say it’s to cope w neurodivergence or survivorhood that’s bad and they should fix it because their kink is oppressive!!

it’s not like the people most likely to see/be hurt by this are already marginalized or anything!!

(look. look. if sex-repulsed people have to learn how to not be oppressive to marginalized people who have complicated relationships with sex… and genital-repulsed people, with people w all kinds of bodies and dysphorias and in a body-shaming culture….)

((but of course, it’s much easier and safer to bash something simultaneously not-protected-by-straightness and mockable-as-straight/unqueer))

(((and it’s all in good fun right? it’s all in the name of sj and obliterating every single ‘problematic’ kink right? it’s a righteous war right?)))

((((i still need to find the draft of “how to be friends with a kinky person for kink-repulsed folks” i started. but honestly? it’s much the same as sex-repulsion or genital repulsion. and if you’re too uncomfortable just knowing somebody is kinky (or has sex as parallel)…that’s valid, but yes it may well affect the relationship.))))


3 thoughts on “kinkshaming

  1. On a related subject, I’ve been trying to find some kind of third space between… lumping all kink together as synonymous & bad (and calling all kink abusive but showing no sympathy for the abuse victims? what?), and this sort of… pleasure-is-justification-for-anything mentality akin to sex-positivity, when it comes to kink. Because there are… valid criticisms to be made, to say the least, of the kink community, which I know from second-hand stories, but I also don’t see anything inherently wrong with enjoying the sensation of rope? Especially considering that liking the way compression feels is a very autistic thing and it seems pretty, mm, something, to decry that.

    Anyway I’ve been thinking about this because of the things the copilot (who is kinky) tells me about her kinky friends & the junk they say that, pretty much, encourages people to be uncritical. And I want to draw some sort of line between that and what I do believe. …which is hard when I don’t know of anyone who writes critically about kink and community norms without treating it all as homogeneous and interchangeable.

    mmmph why does it feel easier to sort these things out with sex than with kink.

    “plus isn’t it qwoc who make up a disproportionate amount of the kink community l i k e”

    Haven’t heard that. Do you recall where you saw stats for that? I’m… not really sure how that would be measured.

    Liked by 3 people

    • totally!! like yes, totally criticize oppression that gets embedded into kink, like racist fetishizing and misogyny and, well, p much every kind of oppression because that’s what it does.

      but somehow we’re able to not dismiss all sex as oppressive even though it can also fetishize and do all the same things? becauuuuse it’s more of a “need” /normal i betcha

      i think there’s a lot of not understanding what kink is/means and…thinking it’s unnecessary / an extra, that has too high a risk of oppressive harm so nobody should do it? that it can never be a “need” and can never be justified?

      argh… tools and actions, yo… talk about inherentness… versus treating a subject responsibly… thought-action fusion stuff and fantasy vs reality stuff here

      and yes, of course the counters “it’s always justified!!” are fucked up. but nevers tend to elicit alwayses

      as for stats, uhhhh fair enough, i think that was anecdota. it rings true to my experience tho? certainly there are a ton of queers and non-men and poc in kink, despite everything. we may splinter off from the way-too-easily-yucky big groups, but we’re still around.

      i like what you said about abuse bc HONESTLY. and there’s multiple directions. it’s like, for non-kinksters the Correct way to be sympathetic abuse survivor is to denounce kink entire, otherwise you’re…”unhealthy” or “still in an abuse mindset” or some shit. and for kinksters, well — individual in-person responses are usually much more chill, but community large-scale responses can definitely be about how you Need to reclaim your everything.


      Liked by 2 people

  2. Thank you so much. I’ve gotten really tired of seeing jokes about “kinkshaming” on tumblr. It really is confusing how people who usually care about nuances, respectful language, etc. don’t have any problem assuming that all kink is bad/worthy of mockery. I’ve never seen anyone I follow on tumblr question it at all.

    And the “brainwashed by abuse/the patriarchy” type arguments are so gross, like, how can I prove, especially to a stranger on the internet, that my relationship isn’t abusive and I’m not deluding myself? I can’t, because nobody can *prove* what’s going on inside their head. So I unfollow.

    Re: critiques of problems with kink that don’t dismiss all kink as bad, I have a link. The Yes Means Yes blog (which is mostly about rape and partner abuse in general) did a good series of posts about abuse in kinky communities a few years ago, called “There’s a War On”. (I think if you google that and the blog name you should be able to find it? I’m not sure how/ if putting links in comments works on wordpress.) That series of posts links to a whole bunch of other blogs, so it could be a good place to start even if it’s not specifically what you’re looking for.


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