belief (again)

been way too scrambled to put together an ace/christianity zine contribution, but had a like, *Bing* yesterday of ~categories

  1. things i find comforting to believe, and (so therefore?) do
  2. things i would find comforting to believe, if only i could, but i don’t/can’t
  3. things i find discouraging to believe, and (so therefore?) don’t
  4. things i find discouraging to believe, yet do anyway (and perhaps would like not to?)

[suicide talk]

mainly thinking about like.  so much doubt that happens around “do i only believe this because i Want to?” but then there are things i actively do want to believe and can’t seem to.

and then like.  things that occur to me like “wow that would be Fucked Up If True” and by virtue of being negative they seem to hold more weight right?  deserve more attention?  and if i only discard them because “no no i don’t like that i don’t want to think that’s true” again is that Cheating

main example being when at 19 i looked at the concept of hell and was like “mmmmmmnnnnno, not this anymore, no man, nope, can’t do it”

and while 1 and 3 are tied together (more comfortable to believe hell doesn’t exist / too discouraging to believe hell does exist), 3 feels more like Cheating? like willful defiance of reality. rather than potentially harmless happy framing filter.  hmm.

meanwhile 2 is like, spirits and. basically mushi from Mushishi, sort of bug-like kami, not sapient, but small and supernatural and discrete entities with simple goals of perpetuating their existence.  a little different from Just Energy, which is probably more what i feel to actually be the case.  but mushi are an incredibly soothing thought and narrative, appealing and kinda Ideal and.  it’s very “why don’t i just believe this?”  but i don’t exactly.  i guess i would describe it as, not feeling it is more likely true than not true, not feeling like it is something i have faith in, not something i think is accurate, or even something i think is meaningful to narrate as a truth.  more, that it is meaningful as an idea, a loose wistful potential idea.

as for 4 and things i wish i didn’t believe?  hm.  there’s nothing especially concrete at present, but…

but.  part of what brought this whole line of thought up was, this crystallized sudden thought:

what if i’m the result of suicide?

right now i’m at the conclusion, “so what?  doesn’t have to mean anything whatsoever.”  but for a little while it was new, and Big, and scary.  would it mean this is some sort of, crucible / punishment / improvement / adjustment?  worst of all, would it mean that i can’t “graduate” / escape / move on / stop reincarnating-glitching-existing / reach oblivion, until i die Naturally and not by my own hand?

that was a really…potent and terrifying thought.  and it made me angry, too, to even think it.  the entire premise of Punishment for suicide, from dante’s inferno to reincarnation/”demotion” to devil’s carnival.  having to “learn a lesson” to “move on” as if that’s. fucking… objective or Fair or for your own good.  infuriating.

for the brief while that i was terrified that if i’d killed myself, i’d have just ended up in another fucking life/universe…it was awful.  godawful.

doesn’t help with all the, splinter shit, the maybe-i-have-sort-of-died, and-been-replaced, by-another-version-of-me, at-these-various-critical-points.  not that i ever get absolved of what i’ve done, me, that was me.

(it’s still hard, even here, to talk explicitly, publicly, not to just one friend over private message, about kinshit.  easier when i call it that, with the -shit attached, yk, diminutive.  but, yeah.  specifically.  what if i just let myself get glitched into oblivion, and instead ended up here, like this?  it would explain — it would be so fucking apropos and paradox space — it would be so unFair,)

and hah, where does that fit in 1-4?

it doesn’t fit my to-date model.  it’s too tidy and it’s not Real enough.  (or too real?)  fucking powerful though.

(shit, my mushi description largely translates to skaia too, doesn’t it.)

mm.  doesn’t feel like a massive paradigm shift, the way ceasing to believe in hell was.  does feel like a subtle, important facing of something.  does bring up all the fears about if i believe in oblivion-after-death because i want to, in spite of something i can perhaps feel within me as more true.  whatever the fuck that means.

yeah.  more navelgazing, natch.


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