some catch-22s

thinking a lot of late about.  being both safe for others and free for self, mm, always, and with the crushing weight of needing(?) to assume that younger folks don’t have as-developed boundary-stating skills

quite terrified of overexaggerating the whole, stepping away from hyperresponsibility thing, right?  bi-polar extremes.  surely in learning not to take on the weight of the world, i’m shoving it onto everyone else, and in not being The Most Proactive Ever i’m therefore the most passive allowing-myself-to-harm or w/e

(okay, but, none of this is new, it’s tiresome, it’s just a slightly new context, and a slightly belated realization of just how little i’ve noticed/worried about ages recently, and what that means going forward, whether in group or one-on-one and how those differ)

Anyway

more, i wanted to talk about-

gender/sexuality and headcanons/fandom interactions.  and, Norms.  and…pushback, and.  and kin shit whoo

so, right, i’m a quoi-mess, and i guess i could simmer myself into, “non-binary, femme, primarily into girls and [???wording???], not into cis men dicks, finds sex complicated.”  that’s a version.

and as a writer/fan, i definitely…have noticed, and thought extensively about, why yes, i do tend to.  gravitate to the canonly dude characters.  sometimes ignoring the girls.  and i do tend to keep ‘he’ pronouns a lot in homestuck

[sex depiction cw for next paragraph]

and while i may not write them with dick penetration, or dicks at all tbh, or even if xeno it may not be penetrative…  yeah that’s still what people associate i guess?

[end cw]

but i…

two things.

1.  i don’t have models, for how to write f/f sex really.  the stuff i’ve found is… i can’t read it, it’s dysphoric as Fuck.  it’s far, far, far easier to write vaguely alien, highly tropified, or just plain hypervague stuff.

(despite, like.  my actual lived experience.  lmao.  that shit doesn’t take kindly to words and descriptions.  plus yk, that one relationship i sometimes call abusive, with a gq guy who sort of, had a lot of really strong effects on me around, what words are okay and what ways of thinking of things are okay even for myself.  Mess.)

and maybe i’m “contributing to the problem” there but.

And 2.  i am pretty much Goddamn Uninterested in writing cis characters, so everybody’s trans/nb.  this means:

  • trans men – who are only difficult to write/think in terms of again that one relationship i had circumscribing things
  • trans women – who holy fuck i don’t want to misrepresent or hurt ever, and don’t feel i have enough experience to write sex with, and that feels weird to research, and it’s just, hfgldfg, i’m happy to write them in as a not-on-screen-sex couple, as friends, etc, it’s important, Just, again a lot of what i write is wrestling with sex and trauma sooo
  • non-binary folks.  yay.  good.

but see.  there’s another problem here, which is:  i don’t want to take away representation to make my own.  and what this keeps meaning is, i don’t want to/Feel Allowed To take canon women, and change their gender.

so it’s great and transformative and progressive to make canon cis dudes into anyway goddamn gender i want.  but it’s terrifying and pressure to make canon women into anything but… women, cis or trans.

i don’t feel like i can even make them non-binary women, most of the time.  (maybe occasionally?  again, canon context – jane wears moustaches, fuck yes nb.)

but even when i do, it’s like… it’s like…  i’m not allowed to play here.

it feels highly scrutinized and.  the payoff isn’t high enough.  it doesn’t feel Reclaiming and Transformative and Healing, it feels terrifying and loaded and even downright reprehensible.  like i’m leeching from the…people who really deserve and need and are invested in these characters.

plus there’s the whole self mindgame of, do i really even like x character, or just feel i should, or am allowed to, on all sides of this.  and especially identify with, right, is that allowed or.

(and then Throw In some God Damn dirk mess and it’s like, oh, great, i’m either not queer enough or not dirk enough or not, idk, transgressive enough or i’m inherently oppressive Yet Again and it loops, so hard)

so

it’s just really painful.  and.  scary.

and most of all this gets highlighted by, being put down for “yaoi shit” when… like… i’m not… they aren’t dudes..?  i would make them more obviously not dudes but..?  there’s hella backlash to visible transstuck shit so..?

(and especially when this is In Tandem with, dismissing my expressing a wish for more non-penetrative sex, as, being, idek, some kind of Policing.  i’m…….still really confused by that)

it’s HARD, it’s hard to not be seen as as nuanced as i feel i am, it’s hard to figure out how to convey what’s been missed, it’s hard to know they likely don’t care, it’s hard to feel like i’m still after all this reflection and worry and thought and caring STILL always not good enough and not interested in the right ships and not doing the Work to Reclaim being able to Write Femslash and.

i don’t feel like i have the right to feel alienated by characters and fandom, because of my actual gender-orientation mess, which Should (right) indicate the opposite of what’s been happening, what i’ve been doing.

everything at cross-purposes and no breathing room anywhere.

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4 thoughts on “some catch-22s

  1. “(and especially when this is In Tandem with, dismissing my expressing a wish for more non-penetrative sex, as, being, idek, some kind of Policing. i’m…….still really confused by that)”

    story?

    Like

    • god, okay.

      it was like…group chat, with two people i’d never talked to before but who knew several of the others. and, talking nsfw things, talking about xeno tending to always just be ~glowy dicks~ or tentabulges

      and so i was saying, i really want other variations, including like. non-penetrative junk. (there’s a specific kind i saw once, like a small anemone of tentacles basically, that really wouldn’t work for penetration, in the standard way at least)

      and then person reacts like, wtf how dare you kinkshame my being into xeno penetration especially self-penetration

      and i’m like oh? no that’s not? what i meant it’s fine i just? don’t like it hetero-coded? and it often really is?

      not really a response i don’t think and topic drifts. and i’m actually now no longer sure which happened first, but closely adjacent in time, we’re also discussing xeno and nonhumans and i mention undertale and being frustrated that the robot and skeletons and fire and goo-monster all get given dicks instead of hey potential

      and same person tells me “fuck off w yr yaoi bullshit, let the fish fuck the lizard”

      god i’m not sure which order they came in but they were pretty back-to-back, and combined i’m just like ???????? (i do also know that this person has… some strong opinions i disagree with, around aceness and around representation, so it just all kind of compounded)

      AND the whole “how dare u kinkshame me” thing (which might well have been banter) just because, a lot weirder when not too much later the topic turned to, trashtalking a person they said they “had to kinkshame out of the chat” for being…bad at boundaries? and for having loud kinks? and there were comments about “keeping kink on a sideblog where it belongs” and.

      it all added up to a really surreal and unsettling experience and i’m not sure what to do about it. even posting this here on this out-of-the-way and-in-a-comment my-own-blog feels like. Passive-Aggressive esply at my friend who hosted the chat and that’s, not what i want to do at all, i just, need to process this and i’m, trying to find where, and what i need to do going forward

      ….so yeah Story lmao

      Like

      • a thank for story

        group chats with mixed friends/strangers are always awkward in my experience, but wow

        “there’s a specific kind i saw once, like a small anemone of tentacles basically, that really wouldn’t work for penetration, in the standard way at least”

        I know the thing of which you speak! I’m generally an anti-fan of genitalia, but that one I’m like. okay. alright. okay. you. you get a pass.

        “and then person reacts like, wtf how dare you kinkshame my being into xeno penetration especially self-penetration”

        ??? ‘please more variation than just x’ =/= ‘liking x is bad’… that’s a really nonsensical response… idk, is this what people mean about autistic people not getting jokes? Is this one of those jokes? It doesn’t really… work as a joke, it doesn’t seem like

        + “and same person tells me ‘fuck off w yr yaoi bullshit, let the fish fuck the lizard'”

        1) ??? the fish-lizard sex can still happen, these are not mutually exclusive, at all

        2) ??? HOW is “how about things besides a penis” = “yaoi bullshit” ? what.

        “keeping kink on a sideblog where it belongs”

        I don’t understand tumblr etiquette at all.

        Anyway I am ??? right with you, friend.

        Liked by 1 person

      • queenieofaces says:

        My apartment may have frequent conversations about One Punch Man fanfic, of all things, and how lazy it is to just…give Genos a robodick. There are so many other options there!

        (I’m in the weird position of not being interested in reading sex scenes, but liking all the emotional junk that leads up to the sex scene in fanfic, so I’m like, “YEAH, FEELINGS!” and then people start getting naked and all of my interest dissipates. >.> I tend to find non-hetero-coded/non-penetrative stuff at least more interesting to read, but it’s hard to find, since there are a lot of people who seem to think that if there isn’t penetration it isn’t “real sex,” to the point that one of the fanfic authors I follow wrote a PORN FIC [which actually turned out to be a Feelings Fic About Trauma disguised as a porn fic] in which there was no penetrative sex and people harassed him about it not having “real sex”. Which was pretty ????)

        Liked by 1 person

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