thinking a lot of late about. being both safe for others and free for self, mm, always, and with the crushing weight of needing(?) to assume that younger folks don’t have as-developed boundary-stating skills
quite terrified of overexaggerating the whole, stepping away from hyperresponsibility thing, right? bi-polar extremes. surely in learning not to take on the weight of the world, i’m shoving it onto everyone else, and in not being The Most Proactive Ever i’m therefore the most passive allowing-myself-to-harm or w/e
(okay, but, none of this is new, it’s tiresome, it’s just a slightly new context, and a slightly belated realization of just how little i’ve noticed/worried about ages recently, and what that means going forward, whether in group or one-on-one and how those differ)
more, i wanted to talk about-
gender/sexuality and headcanons/fandom interactions. and, Norms. and…pushback, and. and kin shit whoo
so, right, i’m a quoi-mess, and i guess i could simmer myself into, “non-binary, femme, primarily into girls and [???wording???], not into cis men dicks, finds sex complicated.” that’s a version.
and as a writer/fan, i definitely…have noticed, and thought extensively about, why yes, i do tend to. gravitate to the canonly dude characters. sometimes ignoring the girls. and i do tend to keep ‘he’ pronouns a lot in homestuck
[sex depiction cw for next paragraph]
and while i may not write them with dick penetration, or dicks at all tbh, or even if xeno it may not be penetrative… yeah that’s still what people associate i guess?
1. i don’t have models, for how to write f/f sex really. the stuff i’ve found is… i can’t read it, it’s dysphoric as Fuck. it’s far, far, far easier to write vaguely alien, highly tropified, or just plain hypervague stuff.
(despite, like. my actual lived experience. lmao. that shit doesn’t take kindly to words and descriptions. plus yk, that one relationship i sometimes call abusive, with a gq guy who sort of, had a lot of really strong effects on me around, what words are okay and what ways of thinking of things are okay even for myself. Mess.)
and maybe i’m “contributing to the problem” there but.
And 2. i am pretty much Goddamn Uninterested in writing cis characters, so everybody’s trans/nb. this means:
- trans men – who are only difficult to write/think in terms of again that one relationship i had circumscribing things
- trans women – who holy fuck i don’t want to misrepresent or hurt ever, and don’t feel i have enough experience to write sex with, and that feels weird to research, and it’s just, hfgldfg, i’m happy to write them in as a not-on-screen-sex couple, as friends, etc, it’s important, Just, again a lot of what i write is wrestling with sex and trauma sooo
- non-binary folks. yay. good.
but see. there’s another problem here, which is: i don’t want to take away representation to make my own. and what this keeps meaning is, i don’t want to/Feel Allowed To take canon women, and change their gender.
so it’s great and transformative and progressive to make canon cis dudes into anyway goddamn gender i want. but it’s terrifying and pressure to make canon women into anything but… women, cis or trans.
i don’t feel like i can even make them non-binary women, most of the time. (maybe occasionally? again, canon context – jane wears moustaches, fuck yes nb.)
but even when i do, it’s like… it’s like… i’m not allowed to play here.
it feels highly scrutinized and. the payoff isn’t high enough. it doesn’t feel Reclaiming and Transformative and Healing, it feels terrifying and loaded and even downright reprehensible. like i’m leeching from the…people who really deserve and need and are invested in these characters.
plus there’s the whole self mindgame of, do i really even like x character, or just feel i should, or am allowed to, on all sides of this. and especially identify with, right, is that allowed or.
(and then Throw In some God Damn dirk mess and it’s like, oh, great, i’m either not queer enough or not dirk enough or not, idk, transgressive enough or i’m inherently oppressive Yet Again and it loops, so hard)
it’s just really painful. and. scary.
and most of all this gets highlighted by, being put down for “yaoi shit” when… like… i’m not… they aren’t dudes..? i would make them more obviously not dudes but..? there’s hella backlash to visible transstuck shit so..?
(and especially when this is In Tandem with, dismissing my expressing a wish for more non-penetrative sex, as, being, idek, some kind of Policing. i’m…….still really confused by that)
it’s HARD, it’s hard to not be seen as as nuanced as i feel i am, it’s hard to figure out how to convey what’s been missed, it’s hard to know they likely don’t care, it’s hard to feel like i’m still after all this reflection and worry and thought and caring STILL always not good enough and not interested in the right ships and not doing the Work to Reclaim being able to Write Femslash and.
i don’t feel like i have the right to feel alienated by characters and fandom, because of my actual gender-orientation mess, which Should (right) indicate the opposite of what’s been happening, what i’ve been doing.
everything at cross-purposes and no breathing room anywhere.