so a while ago i went to all of one service at the UU church i’ve been attending events at.
it was… eerie; infuriating; like coming home; unsettling. at parts i wanted to storm out, or shake visibly, or lie down, or yell or mutter or Stop.
it was far more like my first childhood church than any other church or service i’ve been to, even the other conservative one in my teens. it had the ambience and atmosphere, the grandiosity, the sort of… distinction from being a lecture or an event. it was ritualistic and not that expressive even though there were Jokes, and the stories were woven to purpose and the order of service was so familiar and all that was missing was a tiny pencil to scribble notes with.
i can’t tell if i’m glad i stayed or if i’m frustrated and distrusting of my ability to leave, but at least i think i don’t want to go back.
for all that everyone tried to be welcoming, to greet me and ask how i liked it, it was far too… mm. pressure and spotlight and “oh it’s not usually this godly, you caught an episcopal guest – but oh that’s true we do always say that rite -” you know. very difficult to carve space.
and it was nothing like my college UU church where everyone audibly changed hymn words to suit their beliefs. no. it was pews and pristine hymnals and perfectly in line singing and everything composed.
add in a whole story section equating aging to disability and shoot me.
…anyway. it was nice to have simple communal singing. but oh, i never agree with the words.
i opened this post less to talk of the above, and more to talk of a thing that struck me:
i’ve talked, right, about wanting to believe in tiny non-sapient probably non-sentient spirits / entities (still basically mushi), and about not being able to believe in any gods or spirits or even animism but, in energies and glue and a sort of global subconscious
…and well, fuck, a world that subconsciously acts to preserve its existence – you could argue that for earth sure, but that’s definitely skaia as fuck isn’t it. some paradox space shit.
can’t believe me quipping “my religion is hometuck” continues to smack me over the head like this.