Flying, TSA, Non-binary and Touch-averse

Background, Me

I flew once as a teen, one-way. Like getting on a roller-coaster; follow the group. Flew once round-trip with a queer work group, already terrified of body scanners but they were rare and no one else was worried and nothing happened.

Was asked to, couple times, for weddings, best friends. Work conferences. Actual job offers. Said no.

Finally after eight years decided to try it. Had my ID docs all ready, matching and correct, minus the passport I still can’t get without lying about my gender. Researched. Talked to friends. To therapist. Called airline. Emailed airline. Webchatted airline. Called TSA. Was told they assign an agent based on the gender you Look Like On The Day (binary options). Had my call dropped and not returned mid-question; let it go. Watched videos.

Chose what to pack. Followed guidelines. Left things behind. Read every prep list. Had already read every bit of trans advice. Chose what to wear. Arranged a disabled-autistic-hardofhearing+first-time Special Needs Request to have an Advocate guide me through.

Dunno where you’re supposed to meet up with said advocate.

Was in too much of a “let’s get through this and over with” to deal with the long ticketing counter lines and closed information booth.

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Advice, Factors

To-Writes

i’m vibrating as a result of good in-person talks and feeling like i need to In General collate my, like, writing and resources and a CV or whatever, but also like i have More Things To Say than i’ve been remembering

so, some snips of things i want to write about soon!

– a/romantic and romance-repulsion, while being someone who partners strongly and thrives off having partnerships, buuut said partnerships being primarily in 1. domestic, logistical, emotional processing ways and 2. kink ways. talk about disidentifying with the aro(ace) narrative of never finding romance important/appealing, but then finding it in practice just viscerally No in lots of little ways

– musing on recent convos around group naming and language and wordsmithing. how impressive (and how much Work and extensive collaboration) mission statements like The Unruly’s are with decentering men/masculinity while also being clear about being a space where people who do sometimes (just not exclusively) id as/with those are welcome, and also not falling into the “women plus also non-binary people” trap. how to describe a space that’s transmasculine-centric but isn’t exclusive to transmasc-iding folks, how to word to invite nb folks who aren’t transfeminine without being transmisogynistic or misleading about the constituency and without making it about CASAB which is ew and hey intersex folks exist, and without making it about some assumed shared “socialization” while also yeah the purpose of the peer group is similar experiences

– the carnival of aces topic (idk if it’s current or past now) of love languages, and being told yours obviously is touch by a parent who’s Out of touch, and how the fuck does one cultivate or properly boundariedly Ask for quality time, and just many issues and circling around this very compelling framework kinda like the seven deadly sins tbh

– slowly working on updating Trans Ally Tips from ucd to be more modern/what *i* would advise, and all the shortcomings of that, not knowing the original author nor how to find out who anymore, the issues of doing it as One Person but really being daunted by how to make it collaborative, the ongoing issue of Audience and kink scene vs higher education vs generic…

– similarly i got some website domains and have so many ideas, one for my career field where i want to have lots on captioning and accessibility and transparency around the tech/options and self-advocacy stuff and resources for people entering the career too and even linguistics things, and one (exobinary.info – currently an Art placeholder) for nb stuff and specifically yes-gender zero-binary-relation stuff, and nonstandard transition stuff, and allyship tips including infrastructure/institutional things… but, collating from past scattered posts or generating anew, and time, and organization/display, and the big thing is Professional Image and whether the two Connect and if they do does that mean censoring stuff about kink or sexuality (or spirituality-) or detailed body or sex stuff, and…

– newly: what if tried zines/comics. with zero art experience/confidence. does that better convey the gender/identity stuff i keep wanting people to Please Get? could i Do That?

okay maybe some of those later points are mostly covered here. but. and mmm i haven’t even been writing here lately about the stuff that’s gone back to feeling more Taboo Weird Personal, and maybe some of that’s having a great partner who fulfills most of my talking-about-shit needs, but maybe some of that’s less good.

also probably should write about body stuff (skincare; weight and internalized Not A True Sufferer-ism) but it’s newly raw again and i should make time to watch the queer body love series i got for my birthday first.

also i’m thirty and feeling weird about “18-29” spaces which i keep seeing even though maybe it’s the same space advertising multiple places and anyway i’m mostly glad to finally be past the “sure i’m not in my thirties but Soon Will Be so i’ll self-select out” awkwards of brain internals.

Legal Name/Gender Changes in California in January 2019

So I’ve been helping some friends get their legal name+gender or name-only changes done in California, and pretty much all the resources I’ve found have been scattered and some have inaccurate information (no! physician! letters! anymore!), including court websites and trans help websites… so!  I typed up a whooooole guide that I absolutely cannot promise to update/keep current BUT as of January 13, 2019 is pretty accurate.

I’m not a lawyer, reach out to the Transgender Law Center or your local superior court with questions!  Also sorry but I didn’t do a gender-only change set, but for that you apparently do a CM-010 cover form and NC-300, NC-310, NC-320 instead of any other NC forms.  No experience there though!

some catch-22s

ideals, you say

for the august 2015 carnival of aces

an ideal ace community? well, by loose sections:

Grey and NB in Therapy: on CBT and the sneakiness of therapeutic abuse

This post is a submission to the June 2015 Carnival of Aces on the topic of mental health.

[Content warnings: self-blame, gaslighting, abuse, invalidation.]

A couple years ago, after an Ace Uncon session, I started a wikispace for ranking ace-competent mental health practitioners.

My Ideal Inclusivity

I’ve been working with The Icarus Project for five months now, and there is so much potential in how we do things and what we envision.

It’s in our format, having three-to-five minute uninterrupted check-ins for everyone before a break and then open floor; it’s in our mission, our commitment to social justice and change and resisting power/privilege.

I want more.