i’m vibrating as a result of good in-person talks and feeling like i need to In General collate my, like, writing and resources and a CV or whatever, but also like i have More Things To Say than i’ve been remembering

so, some snips of things i want to write about soon!

– a/romantic and romance-repulsion, while being someone who partners strongly and thrives off having partnerships, buuut said partnerships being primarily in 1. domestic, logistical, emotional processing ways and 2. kink ways. talk about disidentifying with the aro(ace) narrative of never finding romance important/appealing, but then finding it in practice just viscerally No in lots of little ways

– musing on recent convos around group naming and language and wordsmithing. how impressive (and how much Work and extensive collaboration) mission statements like The Unruly’s are with decentering men/masculinity while also being clear about being a space where people who do sometimes (just not exclusively) id as/with those are welcome, and also not falling into the “women plus also non-binary people” trap. how to describe a space that’s transmasculine-centric but isn’t exclusive to transmasc-iding folks, how to word to invite nb folks who aren’t transfeminine without being transmisogynistic or misleading about the constituency and without making it about CASAB which is ew and hey intersex folks exist, and without making it about some assumed shared “socialization” while also yeah the purpose of the peer group is similar experiences

– the carnival of aces topic (idk if it’s current or past now) of love languages, and being told yours obviously is touch by a parent who’s Out of touch, and how the fuck does one cultivate or properly boundariedly Ask for quality time, and just many issues and circling around this very compelling framework kinda like the seven deadly sins tbh

– slowly working on updating Trans Ally Tips from ucd to be more modern/what *i* would advise, and all the shortcomings of that, not knowing the original author nor how to find out who anymore, the issues of doing it as One Person but really being daunted by how to make it collaborative, the ongoing issue of Audience and kink scene vs higher education vs generic…

– similarly i got some website domains and have so many ideas, one for my career field where i want to have lots on captioning and accessibility and transparency around the tech/options and self-advocacy stuff and resources for people entering the career too and even linguistics things, and one ( – currently an Art placeholder) for nb stuff and specifically yes-gender zero-binary-relation stuff, and nonstandard transition stuff, and allyship tips including infrastructure/institutional things… but, collating from past scattered posts or generating anew, and time, and organization/display, and the big thing is Professional Image and whether the two Connect and if they do does that mean censoring stuff about kink or sexuality (or spirituality-) or detailed body or sex stuff, and…

– newly: what if tried zines/comics. with zero art experience/confidence. does that better convey the gender/identity stuff i keep wanting people to Please Get? could i Do That?

okay maybe some of those later points are mostly covered here. but. and mmm i haven’t even been writing here lately about the stuff that’s gone back to feeling more Taboo Weird Personal, and maybe some of that’s having a great partner who fulfills most of my talking-about-shit needs, but maybe some of that’s less good.

also probably should write about body stuff (skincare; weight and internalized Not A True Sufferer-ism) but it’s newly raw again and i should make time to watch the queer body love series i got for my birthday first.

also i’m thirty and feeling weird about “18-29” spaces which i keep seeing even though maybe it’s the same space advertising multiple places and anyway i’m mostly glad to finally be past the “sure i’m not in my thirties but Soon Will Be so i’ll self-select out” awkwards of brain internals.

internet homes (and invitees)

i’m feeling very, mm, like i’m tapping into multiple different communitiea/arenas of my life, and i want to be whole in all of them, but i’ve also come to appreciate and value not being overly transparent and vulnerable without controlling who sees that?

i’m digging deep into my local kink community right now (Finally), and my fet links to all my various presences (my tumblr, wordpress, ao3, transition tumblr, nsfw tumblr), and i find in connecting with new people i’m asking “where do you live, on the internet?”

because yeah–i think of it as living, online, as frequenting spaces. not just “contact information” but, hey, what’s already integrated into your life?

for me, it used to be primarily tumblr–and i do still check it often, backread and have friends and people i follow who i consider important there, but it’s become less of a constant or a primary mode of communication. now i’m on discord, especially because the server style mutable groups is accessible to me and because the three people i’m closest to and i share a server. and because i get message alerts, and the noise and gui are good for me.

i’ve picked up line and signal for basically one person each who was important enough to warrant adding another app to meet them on their home turf. (that hasn’t happened with kik yet, though it’s on my radar.) and i still use wordpress sometimes, and Know Of pillowfort and dreamwidth but haven’t dealt with them as they feel more like Sites than Apps and that’s Different somehow.

i’ve started really using fetlife to keep track of events since the erobay calendar is…often lacking in details or timely updates? and in making new friends and having them All Be Kinky it is actually pretty nice to have that kind of site with status updates and pics and writings and interests and “maybe going to”s.

i’m…seriously considering my relationship with facebook both because i’ve made a few friends recently who Only use it (and instagram which is just, Not for me) and because i’m tentatively reconnecting with my extended family in a very adult, independent, informed, trauma-competent and open way. i’m not super sure how best to handle that, yet, particularly given facebook is home to most of my career’s networking groups, and even privacy settings are…blech. (and i know people who’ve had Two Facebooks for work-public and personal-private, and that algorithms mean their private gets recommended to work friends and Yiiiikes)

it’s really interesting to me and convoluted as a problem to have spaces for different facets of self, and what links to what. my facebook used to be a site of activism and celebrating national coming out day, and it still features my pronouns in my about but i’ve been rarely touching it even to catch up on friends n family, just to find out about events (often queer or kink ones i feel conflicted about rsvping to because publicly viewable). nothing links back to my fet because for a while that was the Most Private, but my fet links to everything and tbh this wordpress has a lot of Niche Obscure Scary Identity Shit that i don’t actually necessarily want casual fet friends to see (nonhuman spirituality kin shit for example).

it feels very evolving organic unplannable, yknow, particularly considering when i was on okcupid and did i link to my tumblr then i think so, and there’s always the spectre of too-searchable and irl names and doxxing, especially working in education even if it is as an independent contractor for collegiate level who’s not a teacher in any way and california should be relatively safe (though fuck if i don’t know trans folks campaigned out of schools).

mostly i’m really interested right now in talking more with my cousins about how Fucked Up our family is because wow we just had an incredible discussion in-person, and they seem mostly open to and caring around gender shit, but dear god linking things, and figuring out an online space to facilitate further processing trauma but without becoming a negative gossip whirlpool, and, fuck. this is new. and they seem to mostly frequent facebook and instagram but to censor themselves because family, and, what even do.

i dunno, i haven’t posted here in a while, in part because i’ve been doing really well actually and having my discussion needs met? i recently posted to fet about communication scales and that felt like maybe i could crosspost it here but also what if that makes it easier to searchfind my fet from here and connect Everything and link up the crazy and the Badbad fetishes and whatever and get me Blacklisted From Society idk. what even is confidentiality and internet safety in the modern age. i may be a dirk but i’m awful at splintering myself and coordinating those splinters which i mean maybe isn’t ooc at all actually.

god i dunno. i’ve really valued finally breaking away from how compulsively and damagingly open i was with my parents, and keeping my valued relationships to myself because they don’t need to know and don’t celebrate me enough to deserve that and it was hurting me to share everything and get confused semi-tolerance back. is that only about them? is it only about my older relatives, not my cousins?

i know also i’ve really admired friends who have cut ties with their families, and it’s really alien-new-strange for me to be reconnecting with pieces i never really got to connect with before. i definitely feel like parsing out carefully and slowly what is excitement about feeling seen and shared-experiences-with and insight and what is desperate hope oversharing feels-bad-after is gonna be extremely vital. still hard, but a thing i’m at least getting better at anticipating as being hard and telling other people who can help me monitor it.

and well i mean similarly the whole analyzing-careful-monitoring how i feel with all the new people in the kink community i’m meeting and whether they feel invigorating / like potentials who could be cool maybe let’s be optimistic / kindof off somehow, as main categories. particularly that middle one and not conflating it with the first. (because oh my god straight people and cis men and being so easily impressed by wow look they said one 1 good gender thing, and needing to seriously assess the overall Actual Savviness And Progress levels and how i feel the next day.)

((mmm. that’s a whole other post about feeling like i’m maybe Limiting myself by not being as FriendlyComfortableOpen to straight people and cis men as i Surely Could Be. and how do you differentiate between bad vibes and hrm automatic preemptive defensiveness bc bad experiences and institutional power-privileged groups. especially when hey if i could Only get over the latter i would have so many potential partners right))

afdhglh yeah family and posts about sexual dysfunction and attraction and kinks are Also A Whole Eek Thing

jesus christ how do be holistic on internet(which is also life)

[immediate edit to add: PLUS there’s wanting to have some kind of work-promo “hey i’m super willing to do captioning scent-free and work with braille interfaces aaand do queer or kink events and uh” how do you advertise yourself to multiple Different clientele without maybe losing business which Agh shouldn’t be an issue but it Is pragmatically. also having kinks that squick some of your kinky friends and fet doesn’t really have blacklisting or tagging and how even compromise]

…or i could just bail

Welp. Sorry ace uncon. It’s not you, it’s traffic + sore throat + being in a weird spot where talking about ace stuff might be dangerous/triggering/unsafe for me right now.

Back to writing in others’ comments sections, and the slow progress of therapy. Hell, maybe it’s time to jot over to the RAAS forum for a more controlled environment.

draft land….

I have five partially-finished drafted posts for this blog, which could sort of be posted as-is, and zero spoons. Still here though. Maybe some direction would help.

Should I finish up the one about sexual pain disorders, the grey-a primer for therapists, the “hating allos” one, the femme one, or the giving/receiving one? Or write a brandnew one elaborating on rarity and attraction?


Hullo permablog world, did I make it in time to party?

I’ve been blogging on Tumblr since 2011 and, well, it worked as a place to make strong statements but bury them in layers of fandom and miscellany in order to dodge criticism. Good job, past self.

Now, however…strong statements ahoy.

I expect this shall be a mix of unburying/dusting off the old, and generating the shiny new.

Topics to include are primarily non-binariness, ace-spectrum, and paper/stone, all intersected with disability and each other. Probably also featuring femmeness, kink, and glitchy grey metaphor feels. Very probably.

Now, is this a reasonable post length? Not essay, not three-liner? Everything’s properly capitalized? *Ok Cool Hey Alright*